Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Gangsta' Speak at Trader Joe's
(End of a conversation in the checkout line, March 25th at 6:17 pm, in the year 2009)
Clerk: Yeah… It was crispy G…
Me: You guys just baked it in a convection oven, in like – the break room? One of those toaster ovens?
Clerk: Yeah dog.
Me: Just 400 degrees, for 15 minutes..?
Clerk: You be happy dog-
Me: Yeah, but you have no idea how easy it is for me to even fuck up a pizza. (Me picks up grocery bags from counter) Thanks…
(Clerk nods and turns to next customer in line. Me walks to doors leading outside and exits store)
Clerk: Yeah… It was crispy G…
Me: You guys just baked it in a convection oven, in like – the break room? One of those toaster ovens?
Clerk: Yeah dog.
Me: Just 400 degrees, for 15 minutes..?
Clerk: You be happy dog-
Me: Yeah, but you have no idea how easy it is for me to even fuck up a pizza. (Me picks up grocery bags from counter) Thanks…
(Clerk nods and turns to next customer in line. Me walks to doors leading outside and exits store)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
From the Heavenly Mantle of the late, Orson Welles
Dear: Members of the Pacific Palisades Theosophical Spiritualist Channeling Society,
Thank you for inviting me to your posh ceremonies last Friday evening/Saturday morning. Although I dread being awakened from my lovely eternal slumber without good reason, I found the preciously-planned and elegant nocturnal gathering you organized to be particularly enjoyable; The luxurious manse, decorated with all manner of ornament extracted from historical, pre-silk route Asia and 'Magical' Egypt; The exterior grounds well-tended and exquisitely manicured; and I must say - quite especially, the blonde, big-titted medium sporting the Barbara Streisand nose-job and Botox Vaginal Rejuvenation procedure, whom you hired for - 'the reception'! Ha ha!
I am very funny!
Although I am loathe to appear as an ungrateful guest of your lovely wing-ding, might I make a few suggestions? If I am to be invited - invoked, if you will, to plunge into another one of your sumptuous, terrestrial, soiree's?…
Although cocktail peanuts and Sun Chips are quite delectable, things were done a little differently in my time.
The menu should contain as follows:
One red curry. Two green curries. One yellow curry. And, a curry that is a mix of 1 red curry and 3 yellow curries - sort of a livid orange curry… without the oranges, of course. Ha ha ha - that's hilarious of me!
The oranges, in fact, are to be stuffed in a pig's mouth; the full pig being broasted with lemon, butter, and damiana.
The cantaloupe; to be stuffed in a baby calf's mouth - which is then fully marinated in peanut sauce, boysenberries, belladonna, and the drizzlin's of the finest Persian Virgin Veal and grilled Icelandic Sea Otter.
In addition, lest I forget, the cutest little member of the culinary family - the Italian cherry tomatoes… stuffed in three very muscular BBQ'd ducks extracted from Echo Park Lake.
Four pounds of steamed vegetables are served with a sea salt and pineapple vinaigrette. Two pounds of stewed vegetables are served with a creamed sherry gravy extracted from a Brooklyn prostitute, and white rice steamed in gin.
Also, - just ten small ounces of grilled fruit and pureed sea vegetables - to be served with slivers of cardboard toilet paper rolls for fiber.
It is necessary to have fourteen gallons of Jernest and Eulio Gallo Red Wine.
Twelve gallons of Jernest and Eulio Gallo White Zinfandel.
Please also requisition, at least, 25 gallons of Gallo Merlot to be present at all times. This previous instruction is most important - do not deviate from it.
Dessert should consist of one large wooden spoon and the upside-down cranial cavity of a wooly-mammoth skull filled to the jawbone with the following: 12 boxes of chocolate cake mix fully prepared, but - as yet, uncooked. Moreover, four boxes of dry brownie mix should be stirred in to this. Eight pints of Jen and Berry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream should be placed on top, with a Philippine monkey-eye for ornament. There should also be 15 shredded $100.00 bills mixed in, which I will surreptitiously pick out and smoke post facto in a vanilla-flavoured Zig Zag - provided by my most generous hosts, of course! There are no liquor stores here, and such novelties are difficult to come by, without paying a steep price. Again, might I reiterate my humble gratuities for your previous adjuration, or dare I say - conjuration, (Ha ha!) and bid you farewell with the wish that I might be visiting your affable, and hopefully, well-catered social gathering again very soon.
Yours most truly,
Orson Welles
Thank you for inviting me to your posh ceremonies last Friday evening/Saturday morning. Although I dread being awakened from my lovely eternal slumber without good reason, I found the preciously-planned and elegant nocturnal gathering you organized to be particularly enjoyable; The luxurious manse, decorated with all manner of ornament extracted from historical, pre-silk route Asia and 'Magical' Egypt; The exterior grounds well-tended and exquisitely manicured; and I must say - quite especially, the blonde, big-titted medium sporting the Barbara Streisand nose-job and Botox Vaginal Rejuvenation procedure, whom you hired for - 'the reception'! Ha ha!
I am very funny!
Although I am loathe to appear as an ungrateful guest of your lovely wing-ding, might I make a few suggestions? If I am to be invited - invoked, if you will, to plunge into another one of your sumptuous, terrestrial, soiree's?…
Although cocktail peanuts and Sun Chips are quite delectable, things were done a little differently in my time.
The menu should contain as follows:
One red curry. Two green curries. One yellow curry. And, a curry that is a mix of 1 red curry and 3 yellow curries - sort of a livid orange curry… without the oranges, of course. Ha ha ha - that's hilarious of me!
The oranges, in fact, are to be stuffed in a pig's mouth; the full pig being broasted with lemon, butter, and damiana.
The cantaloupe; to be stuffed in a baby calf's mouth - which is then fully marinated in peanut sauce, boysenberries, belladonna, and the drizzlin's of the finest Persian Virgin Veal and grilled Icelandic Sea Otter.
In addition, lest I forget, the cutest little member of the culinary family - the Italian cherry tomatoes… stuffed in three very muscular BBQ'd ducks extracted from Echo Park Lake.
Four pounds of steamed vegetables are served with a sea salt and pineapple vinaigrette. Two pounds of stewed vegetables are served with a creamed sherry gravy extracted from a Brooklyn prostitute, and white rice steamed in gin.
Also, - just ten small ounces of grilled fruit and pureed sea vegetables - to be served with slivers of cardboard toilet paper rolls for fiber.
It is necessary to have fourteen gallons of Jernest and Eulio Gallo Red Wine.
Twelve gallons of Jernest and Eulio Gallo White Zinfandel.
Please also requisition, at least, 25 gallons of Gallo Merlot to be present at all times. This previous instruction is most important - do not deviate from it.
Dessert should consist of one large wooden spoon and the upside-down cranial cavity of a wooly-mammoth skull filled to the jawbone with the following: 12 boxes of chocolate cake mix fully prepared, but - as yet, uncooked. Moreover, four boxes of dry brownie mix should be stirred in to this. Eight pints of Jen and Berry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream should be placed on top, with a Philippine monkey-eye for ornament. There should also be 15 shredded $100.00 bills mixed in, which I will surreptitiously pick out and smoke post facto in a vanilla-flavoured Zig Zag - provided by my most generous hosts, of course! There are no liquor stores here, and such novelties are difficult to come by, without paying a steep price. Again, might I reiterate my humble gratuities for your previous adjuration, or dare I say - conjuration, (Ha ha!) and bid you farewell with the wish that I might be visiting your affable, and hopefully, well-catered social gathering again very soon.
Yours most truly,
Orson Welles
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