Three Of A Kind

    Toby was a 2-handed poker extraordinaire – extraordinary in that two of his hands were on the same arm. He had experienced some resistance to that, of course, in the early years, but soon it became a wonder to behold, just to watch him deal. He had plenty of chutzpah for the game, which made him a natural “shoo-in” anytime two players needed another pair to pick up a game. Toby would play two different “hands” at the same time. If things got real desperate, he'd play two games in his two-handed left arm and another game in his one-handed right arm. Toby was gifted in this way, but fortunately, just dumb and forgetful enough to only be able to remember one set of cards he was looking at, at a time; so there was no chance of cheating. And, then again, there was the fact he'd never won a game in his life. But he was a good, and even, decent enough player to keep games going for awhile. And it was always a big laugh to hear someone ask Toby if he'd like to play a hand of poker, and hear him answer in his somewhat shy, genteel way: “Hey, I could even play a hand or two, pal.”

a few jokes 07-31-12

Several schools are enforcing dress-codes for teachers after some came to school in cut-off shorts and tank tops. Officials were alarmed when tested students had no idea that “T & A” used to stand for teachers and assistants.

Several schools are enforcing stricter dress-codes after some teachers were found to be dressing inappropriately. Officials were alerted when kids K-6 could pick out lingerie better than they could spell it.

Several schools are enforcing stricter dress-codes after some teachers were found to be dressing in wild, provocative styles. Officials were alerted when kids learning to use the alphabet thought that the capitals were Milan, New York, London and Paris.

some jokes from the last few days

Bible meetings are becoming a trend in many bars across the country. Apparently, the easiest way to get Americans into church these days is to provide waitress service.

Many ministers are finding that if they hold bible meetings in bars and taverns, people will show up. Apparently, attendee's believe the best way to protect their kids from clerics is just to have parishioners carded at the door.

Church groups have found that they can reach new members by holding bible meetings in bars, over alcohol and wine. Attendee's are just doubling down. It's the easiest way to be “in the spirit”, while making communion last all the way to “the last call”.

A survey says the majority of new robotics companies, worldwide, are located in several states across the U.S. It's the only way they'll be able to create enough replacement parts to keep Romney on the road until November.

The steampunk movement is becoming more popular, and now there's even a 'kickstarter' campaign to fund the first steampunk music festival. The organizers say the show could even be headlined by the band that inspired it all: The Sex Pistons.

A strip of coast between the Venice and Santa Monica beaches has become a popular location for new tech start-up companies. The area offers programmers great weather and great ocean views while taking part in their favorite past time: surfing the internet.

Studies find that change in a person's walk may be a sign of early Alzheimer's. Especially if that person is outside and they have no pants on.

A city in Alaska has been operating for the last 15 years with a cat for a mayor. City council meetings are always calm because they have dramamine instead of drama.

A city in Alaska has been running for 15 years with a mayor that's a cat. Residents' only complaint is that his priorities always seem too focused on hiring the city dog-catchers.

Proverb For The Day - March 23, 2012

Daily Proverb:

“He that walketh upright walketh surely: while he that falleth down drunk waketh up later to find surely already went home with he that walketh upright.”

Proverb For The Day - March 22, 2012

Daily Proverb:

“He that tilleth the land shall be satisfied with bread: while he that liveth next door shall merry-make with the tiller’s wife; she, knowing how easily satisfaction comes to a simple tiller, by bread alone.”

DOCTOR DENGUE (Film)

·         FILM: DOCTOR DENGUE

o   Doctor Dengue: “Psychic House Cleanser”.  Charges $18 a spirit.  Arrives at the house to be “cleansed” with “Voodoo Dolls” the size of an average, man-sized Halloween dummy.

§ Sometimes the “ritual” gets a little “gropey.”

·   (The Doctor accidentally begins channeling the presiding spirit through himself, which, apparently, wasn't part of the original plan.  The residing spirit then, always begins expressing its long-sought after desire to finally be able to “touch” the living..  Being particularly in this case, the “residence-dweller”- who, the spirit says, “he has been watching”, and now at last, can “feel to be real”)

·   (Physically acting, vicariously through, of course - DOCTOR DENGUE.)

§ Toward the end of the house-cleansing ritual, the life-size voodoo dolls, for all the voodoo piercing and verbal abuse the doctor has been performing upon them throughout – suddenly and mysteriously, come to life – giving “payback” to Doctor Dengue!  Beating him up, and scaring both the Doctor and the resident of the house, for their mortal lives.  The Doctor always shouts, “I can't control it – It's too strong!  Run for your life!”  As the resident runs from the house in terrified fear, the Doctor and the voodoo dolls begin to rob the joint – proving collusion for “the grab”, the whole time.

§ When the resident inevitably returns 30 to 45 minutes later with some, or one-form, of – “the authorities”, as it were - a note is found written out on a prescription form bearing Doctor Dengue's name at the top, and all other traces of the Doctor's visit, long-since sterilized clean.

·   (the PRESCRIPTION DOCUMENT reads: “FROM THE OFFICES OF DR. DENGUE:  As I came to – rubbing the terrible bruises upon my sad, wounded, perhaps, FOREVERMORE own HAUNTED HEAD – I saw with mine own two eyes, many of your belongings passing through the vortex which appeared to be made entirely of the ability to braid light and time together itself.  That's right, “The Great Rift in the Universe.”  'The Door Between Aristotle and Plato' – but with an added power..  An apparent 'ghost vacuum'!  That's right, a 'Gravity Drift'.  'I could not believe thine eyes,' I said to myself.  'Have I not experienced the portal between this world – and the next?'  Look, if I were you I would try to forget those material things.  There is no way to get them back now.  Perhaps, in the next realm you will be able track those very possessions down.  You'll remember them, then; that I am certain.  But here, now...  These things are like the clean wind which enters the goose's nostril as it flies, yet emerges on the other end changed.  For this time, this house is clean.  Perhaps the belongings that were taken were the very things the wild spirit wanted all along.  It just merely needed us – you, and I – that is, Doctor Dengue – working together as a team – to help IT.  Welcome Home.”)

ROYAL MEDIA MAD-NESS!!

A bearded guy in grubby thrift store clothes leaves the back of the bus to stand next to someone who had just gotten on to the bus, and has sat down. Without making eye contact with anyone, Bearded Guy, using an angry mid-range voice and a gravelly, lower voice, begins having a dialogue with himself.

1: He's wearing the tweed pants of a Royalist.

2: I thought tweeds only appeared amongst the mid-century Royalist-

1: Not the stately ones who were stuck in the staunch time-warp of 20^th century British inflexibility.

2: Why did something as Oxford Britannica as that have to fade away? Becoming a novelty of the passing past-

1: Well, the whole palace of cards collapsed one day when the queen slapped a baby on live television. The baby was offered to the queen for a sweet, motherly embrace – a blessing, if you will – But it appears the baby was hungry and began to suckle at the Queen Mother's teat... through her royal blouse. This offended the queen's early-Elizabethan sensibilities, and she reacted suddenly – It was a commoner!

2: By slapping a baby??!

1: No. When she jerked back and her wig fell off.

2: Huh?

1: Revealing a small aquarium stocked with tiny sea-monkeys, where the scalp should be.

2: So she slapped the baby..!

1: On live television.

2: That's sounds just awful. No wonder they never had to work a day in their lives-

1: Piggily living the kind of hoggy-lifestyle every one of us is gonna envy.

2: What ever happened to the baby?

1: He's still in jail. He gets let out every year just long enough to do civic-duty, in the form of public amenities.

2: Jerry Lewis!??

1: That's right, now – this is confidential. Best intelligence-

2: So who's the the queen we see now, on British Intelligence newscasts?

1: Don't worry sir, everything's taken care of. We've got one of our best men in the position.

(Arriving at a stop, Bearded Guy exits bus)